A small tin of sardines in tomato sauce festoons an array of toast made from stale bread. It is garnished by a splattering of soy sauce. It went to my mouth begging for mercy.

These 2wo are a brace of evening meals taken at Mostonia last Easter Sunday. One is a microwavable pasta thingy and the other is a spicey chicken slice that seems to have been in an RTA.

Some fried spuds flirt sexually with 2wo eggs that have suffered being scrambled and mounted by a garnishy salad leaf.

This is a Ginsters Cornish Pastie and a smudge of brown sauce added to make it edible. The pastie had been heated up in the George Formby grilling machine.

The plate is keeping the table away from a piece of rump steak seasoned in "aromat" chilli seasoning and some green salad along with 2wo boiled new potatoes.

Listen. This is cheesy-eggy bread. 2wo slices of cheese are persuaded to sit in the middle of folded over slices of wholemeal bread. These are then puzzled by dipping them in beaten egg before inserting them into a hot pan with a whiff of oil in it.

Now this was 2wo small tins of mackerel in brine stacked on top of some sliced red pepper and pitted olives. It slid down my gullet and into my stomach one spring evening after a pleasant day in Eastham. Hi ho, the wind and the rain.