This watering hole is called the Dee Hotel. It opens for alcohol at 0900hrs. However, what ever time you want a drink you will have to wait ages to be served due to the lone bar-person being commandeered by hoards of old people ordering all day breakfasts and farty frothy coffees. Why don't they all f..f..f...fade away.

Hearing problem solved. Chunky, the Hound of Mostonia, has been fitted with a cyber-ear. Matty, well known in the furnishing industry, made it out of bits of fluff found on the floor behind the van-hire desk.

A giant cat turns its eyes away from Alison's brightly coloured gay car in pain.

An attractive girl relaxes between the thighs of a black leather clad gentleman while looking after her drunken friend who has consumed several too many bottles of binge.

This animal has been imprisoned in a cage. It is an African Grey and not an African Grandparent as was once thought. It flew over from Margate, South Africa and not Margate, Kent. It is in prison because it once attempted to murder Nelson Mandella.

This is the electronic tag of the one known as JTS. He was given an ASBO earlier in the year and had an 8ight o'clock curfew imposed on him. His other hobbies include drinking and smoking between pubs.

This is the One Eared Dog of Mostonia. It haunts the car sales room and sometimes wees on the stairs.

This offensive item is The Old Mobile of Wezzy. Sometimes aircraft mistake it for a beacon. I once mistook it for an oblong blood orange and ate it with a bit of cream.

This is the Rose and Crown. There's nobody in it at the moment as it 5ive past 8ight on a Sunday morning. However, in a few hours time it will bursting at the seams with elderly topers.

This small person, newly arrived on Earth waits patiently at the bar of the Argyll for a Purple Wicked. Sadly she will have to wait for nearly 18 years unless we can get the law changed.

A dead sea bass has been cooked and is waiting on the plate with some other sea-foody things to be stuffed into a gob.

The Man in Charge stares at the camera before eating his most interesting bun. He is about to get to grips with a gang of viscious underwater squirrels.

Details of the people in this picture are a bit scetchy. Who are they?

This was eaten after an afternoon in the pub. It's tinned salmon and salad I'll have you know. I ate it with gay abandon and it was so nice that afterwards I had to go out and put a caramel bar under a squirrel.