My Father tests a pair of Duracell batteries from the TV remote control using a voltmeter. Next to it can be seen his mobile phone which is always switched off

This is a salad sandwich resting atop my laptop. Some bastard has taken a munch out of it. If I find out who it is I'll cut them into little pieces and send them home to mother in a cardboard box.

This is a salmon flavoured fried egg sandwich which has come to rest on my laptop.

Fried Jersey royals are made into an omelette for the first time in history and dumped on a bit of toast.

Salad and Jersey royals share a plate with a lump of salmon from somewhere in Scotland. It was sent stomachwards with the aid of a bottle of red wine from Spain.

This is a barby queue. It appears to be taking place outside. A bloke called Kevin is doing the cooking, we are told. I hope he dosen't start a fire and burn himself. If he does we will have to go and rescue him in the Tardis.

This a bowl of Mince. It was made with mince. It was assisted by Mr. Christopher Carrot, Mrs. New Potato, Oliver Onion and Bertie Black-Eyed Beans (from Venus, don't let anyone get in between us.)

This is a wooden table that's being used to keep a load of Polish food from getting too close to the floor. Needless to say it had to be washed down with several cans of Polish beer. All of the above was provided by a person from, guess where?

This is a Sunday roast dinner. You've seen them on this site before maybe. However this picture is to explain to anyone out there what a Sunday roast consists of. It's mainly aimed at people from the United States who tend not to know about things.

2wo burgers (not from Germany) set in an azure sea of salad and coleslaw. This seat of Mars. This England. Do you like traffic lights? I do.

3hree roast dinners wait to be eaten in a vastly improved kitchen on the Wirral. 3hree roast lambs. 3hree dinners 4 3hree friends.