This duck, a suspected terrorist and member of Al Quaeda has been captured by US forces and made to lie on a chopping board. He has been bound and gagged and, if no confession is forthcoming he will be basted with scalding fat.

That'll teach him. Bloody waterfowl! String 'em up! Get 'em in the ovens.

Well you know what this is don't you? Oh yes it's a bit of French bread about to be filled with a wodge of Wesleydale cheese. The tomato and little gem lettuce are just garnish. They will not be eaten under any circumstances. Lettuce is the scum of the veg world. It tastes of nothing and just sits on top of your food like a big fat useless piece of crap. As for the tomato.......

A bowl of Irish Stew (in the name of the law) is flanked by a nuclear sub-roll containing a deadly cargo of heavy water cress.

The egg oozes satisfaction as it lies exhausted on the bacon. Squeezed in a most delightful manner by Mr. and Mrs. Toast, who have both been very naughty, it awaits the next move.

A mug of coffee, a Napple and 2wo yogs circle a beef and cheese baggette. They are in standard orbit. Soon the Captain of the Napple will beam down a landing party of pips to investigate.

This is a festive goose. He's dead. We killed him by pulling all hiss feathers off and putting him in a very hot oven.